You were the river
to my Narcissus
I didn’t love you
I loved the way you
reflected the best parts of
me as if they
You were the river
to my Narcissus
I didn’t love you
I loved the way you
reflected the best parts of
me as if they
The thing is, Elsa Bloodstone was built to be a one woman army who had no room for mistakes or even the slightest crack of weakness.
The thing is, she succeeded at being what her father wanted her to be for so long and the ghost of being a disappointment to him haunted her for so long that she convinced herself this is what she needs.
The thing is, she had been strong for so long that she forgot what being weak feels like. Nor can she afford to be, when everyone else treat her with respect she can’t jeopardize. When she’s top of the chain of command and is held responsible for the lives of everyone under her. She’s the protector, the shield for humanity.
Vulnerability is too much of a luxury for someone like her.
The thing is, she then met John Constantine.
And him, of all people, understand. He crashed through her carefully constructed fortress and teared those thick velvet drapes she hang on her windows. He slither under her defenses and coaxed her candor out of her. And while he would never be her knight in shining armor, his is the hand she put her heart on.
Because more than just listen, he perceived and fathomed her struggle to find a place to come home to. She doesn’t even have to explain why, for he experienced first hand how hard it is to find a “home”. Especially for people like them who were unable to find one in their own bloodlines, and had abandoned all hope after years of fruitless endeavor.
What he might never know, though, is that she had found her home. These past few months, she unknowingly found her home in him. His embrace, his presence, his devotion, his cocky bravado, his wicked sense of humor, and his distinct tobacco scent.
He, is the home she have been searching for and never had she feel as safe and sound as she does when she’s lying awake in her bed, tucked comfortably in his embrace.
And boy, how she long to come home. Even for just one last time.
À la mort,
Prompt: We The Kings’ Promise the Stars.
“But would you risk some broken bones just to call this place home? This could be home.”
He should have known better. Really, given how much time they spent together and all those nights when she confined her darkest secrets, he should have known. That there is only so much time she can spend drowning in sorrow before it turned to ire.
Because fury is an emotion she knew far too well, a familiarity she could took refuge in.
So she had been letting her temper reigned free, fueling her as she go through her days recklessly killing whatever monster stands on her way. As she dove headfirst into fights and come out feeling alive, or as alive as she can be without his cocky smile to welcome her whenever she’s done with her battle.
She had let rage be her most prominent emotion through their succinct exchanges, let it simmer and purposely let it slip as she snapped at him. She knew he’s confused and can’t figured out why she’s so mad because of those silly excuses, but animosity is a façade she knew full well how to use and it’s a demeanor she could hide her still raw wounds behind.
Ans she’s alright. At least she thought so. At least she could pretend as much.
Then she dreamt of him last night.
She dreamt of a midnight rendezvous in his dingy apartment, where they just lie in his bed, bruised and battered after a long day of fighting their (literal) demons.
She dreamt of him, kissing the top of her head and intertwined their fingers as he said, in that Scouse tongue of his, “Wish we could do this more often, luv.”
And for the first time in a week (bloody hell, has it only been a week? She could swear it had felt like forever. Maybe there’s some forces messing with time or maybe Kronos or whatever shit those mythologies cooked up had come back to life and is playing with time. She’ll make sure to investigate later) she woke up with the telltale of tears in her eyes.
And it’s embarrassing, it’s a weakness she can no longer afford because Elsa Bloodstone does not wept. She let grief hardened her and continued on fighting, even as everything else around her fade to blur and there’s nothing left in her life but the endless battles. She march on.
She woke up with the longing and pain she haven’t let herself feel for a while now.
She woke up missing him – the comfort of being in his arms, the warmth of his hugs, the sweetness of his kisses, and the rare safe and sound feeling he seems to bring despite all odds. Missing all those time she come to bed and he’s already lying there, waiting for her with open arms. Missing the time she stole a glance at him amidst life-or-death bloodshed where they fight side by side and he paused to wink or blow a kiss at her with such bravado. She miss him lying his head on her lap while she run her fingers through his hair even as she complaint about its unruly state. She miss going to sleep with his arms wrapped around her waist and his lips stealing kisses on her nape when he thought she’s already in slumber. Fuck, she even miss the worry in his eyes because of her unhealthy lifestyle and fucked up sleeping patterns.
She miss him, she would admit, and she wish she could see him right now. Or soon.
And she’s scared, too. Scared that his predicament has turned his attention away from her and is now his priority. And that’s selfish, she know, because it is an obligation he can’t discard and she would probably do the same should she have those mess on her hands but.
But she’d have to admit, to the silence of her dark bedroom in this wee hours where Helios hasn’t graced them with his presence yet, that she’s scared out of her wits that he’s given up on them. That he has stopped fighting and no longer invest himself in an “us”, or any sorry semblance of it they now had. Scared he’s done even trying to get through this shit with her.
And maybe she’s scared because she remember him saying he’d fight for them but is now no longer doing anything, scared because he said they’d still be close together but now they barely talk and he never shared anything about his life anymore. And yeah, she’s scared because she have no idea whether or not he even try to put up a fight.
(Although knowing him, she’s sure he does. She wish he does. Dear Lord, she wish to high heaven he does because otherwise–)
She’s scared, though, that she no longer have a place in his heart and in his ever-changing mind.
Or, the scariest thought of all.
Is that despite him still keeping a safe place for her in his heart.
She’s no longer on the top of his list and could no longer be part of his life.
Because he choose to do so.
He choose to live without her.
And that, that is the scary thought that haunt her as she don her armor and pack her weapons for today’s pursuit.
It’s the thought that eat up most part of her mind even as she flung herself head first into carnage.
À la mort,
Prompt: Bee Gees’ To Love Somebody.
“I live and I breathe for you. But what good does it do if I ain’t got you?”
Quite terribly, to tell you the truth.
And I know it’s early, much too early for me to be already whining about being homesick and stuff. But my family just left yesterday so do bear with me.
It’s not that I don’t have fun here – because I have had some fun, and I actually am planning to watch Guardians of the Galaxy later. I also enjoy the free internet access here – very much, if I may add – and people are quite good. This far.
But I can’t help that I miss home, as always, when I come back to my room after a long day and was met with nothing but silence. I can’t help but to miss home when I wake up all bewildered in the middle of the night, hearing the sound of the fan and nothing else. I miss home when I look out of the windows and see a city that feels so foreign to me. I miss home when I’m in the crowd with the other students and they’re all having fun talking with one another while me, being me, just stare and be the wallflower that I am.
I’m not good with loneliness, never was, and I’m really prone to the poisonous feeling of being alone – even when I’m in the middle of a crowd. And it’s the little things, always the little things, that got me curling up on my bed with tears in my eyes.
And okay, maybe I’m just sleep deprived and in urgent need for some good hugs and cuddles, but I really miss home and I miss my friends. I miss being able to just glomps anyone or approaching someone with open hands and goes “Peluk!”. I need my dose of hugs and kisses, I need to just hold someone’s hands and latch myself onto them, I just—- need my daily dose of skinship, it seems.
And it’s just— I don’t know, maybe I just haven’t met the right people, those kind of person that I can just talk about nothing in particular with, the people that I crave to spent all of my times with – and not just for distraction so I don’t have to be alone in my room back at dorm. Or to be brutally specific, I haven’t met any fandom people – my kind of people, and that just…. doesn’t bode well with me.
I have been too used to the fandom people that I can barely manage to interact with those that aren’t. And that, to be exact, is my biggest problem.
I’m not sure I know how to make friends and blend in anymore.
À la mort,
Fuck, I want to fly home.
Jadi… gue baru aja mengalami salah satu situasi paling absurd yet hilarious dalam hidup gue.
Gue kan lagi liburan kuliah nih ya, dan jadinya gue ndekem di Jogja. Masalahnya, di rumah itu koneksi internetnya agak… rada-rada. Dan gue jadi rada sering ke warnet. Either buat download, atau sekedar ngopi drama-film-variety show gitu.
Nah, kebetulan gue lagi pengen download Golden Disk Award 2013 kemaren, dan jadilah gue ke warnet langganan gue, somewhere di deket KFC Sudirman.
Yaudah kan, gak ada masalah. Gue santai aja mbathang kayak biasa sambil mulai nulis revirw Blind buat blog sebelah. Terus tiba-tiba haus.
Setelah mikir dan liat-liat daftar menu, gue pesen coca cola, sama tango.
Terus masnya dateng.
“Semuanya 5.500 mbak.”
Oh, oke. Gue buka tas, mau ngambil dompet, terus hening.
Kok dompet gue gak ada ya.
Gue mikir. Masnya nungguin.
Dompet gue kemana ya… jangan-jangan… masih di tas satunya. Oiya, kemaren kan gue pake tas yang cangklong, bukan yang slempangan ini. Berarti dompet gue ketinggalan dong. Begok banget sih Ri.
“Mas, kayaknya dompet saya ketinggalan deh.”
Hening, masnya ngeliatin, nahan ketawa.
“Bentar ya mas, saya telpon rumah dulu.”
Akhirnya masnya balik ke posnya, kayaknya sih nahan ketawa.
Whatsa[[ nyokap… gak dibales-bales. Temen gue juga lagi gak ada yang di daerah situ.
Akhirnya dengan menebalkan muka, gue k3luar dan ngampirin masnya.
“Mas. kalau itu saya tinggal dulu, saya balik ngambil dompet, gimana? Harddisknya ditinggal kok, jadi saya pasti balik.”
Sumpah gue yakin itu masnya udah pengen banget ketawa ngakak ngegoblok-goblokin gue, tapi dia berhasil nahan.
“Oh yaudah mbak, gapapa,” kata masnya sambil nyengir.
Dan percakapan itu berulang lagi waktu gue turun ke bawah (gue dapet tempat di lantai 2) dan ditanyain sama masnya yang jaga kasir di bawah, dan berulang lagi waktu gue mau ngeluarin motor.
Iya, gue bahkan terpaksa ngutang parkir gara-gara beneran gak ada duit sama sekali.
Dan percaya gak percaya, sekarang gue udah balik lagi ke warnet itu, lagi duduk di booth yang sama, masih ngelanjutin download.
Kepalang tanggung, bro. Sekalian aja malunya!
Jadi kepikiran nanti pas bayar gimana ya…
Officially gak bakal ngewarnet selama beberapa bulan ke depan.
Okay, sekarang kuping gue bener bener keganggu sama suara mercon yang dari tadi dilemparin anak anak kompleks. Mercon kok suaranya kayak tabung gas meledak eh jangan jangan mereka beneran pake tabung gas. ga mungkin kan ya tapian hahahahaha *melirik was was*
Dan gatau apakah telinga gue yang salah gara gara mercon mercon laknat itu tapi kok ga ada suara takbiran ya -,- apa udah tadi? ah gatau deh pokoknya yang pasti ada kan yaaaa. tadi sih kayaknya ada bentar. bentar banget tapian
Teruus juga udah mulai ada ketupat. well enggak di rumah gue yang entah kenapa kayaknya ga pernah makan ketupat aku aja udah lupa kapan terakhir makan ketupat tapi di rumah kalian ada kan? kalaupun ga ada mungkin rumah kalian juga kayak rumahku? pasti ada banyak lah bentuk bentuk ketupat yang muncul di depan mataaa
Nah tanda tanda di atas cuma punya satu arti :
BESOK LEBARAAAAAAAN \m/
Jadi jadi jadi saya mau minta maaf sama teman teman sekalian para pembaca blog kalo ada yang baik kalo baca blog gue kalian baik deh. apalagi yang ngomen :p kalo saya banyak salah atau ada postingan yang menyinggung dan yang jelas sangat sangat melalaikan blog ini dan sangat sangat jarang mengupdate blog ini maaf deh hidup saya datar gitu belakangan ini. dan sayanya juga males nulis sih hehehehe
Bagi yang mudik, ati ati di jalan ya. Yang ga mudik, jajah kota kota kalian sementara orang orang pada mudik :3 kecuali kalau kalian agak tidak beruntung seperti saya yang enggak mudik dan kota saya malah jadi tujuan mudik. mari siap siap menyambut kemacetan dan kota kita dipenuhi plat plat asing yang pada minta dilemparin botol
Siap siap menikmati liburan terakhir sebelum benar benar berkutat dengan kehidupan kelas 3
So what should I do?
It was fun 😀
Ngamplas dan ditraktir makan sama mbak Hemas (makasih loh mbak hahaha)
Ketemu Firza sama Tante Prita terus liat liat baju, liat hardcase (btw cuma 40ribu. murah juga ternyata) , terus nemenin si Firza nungguin orang :p
Nonton Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (review menyusul. lagi males haha) dan sempet misuhin mbak mbak yang jaga tiket. Annoying banget sumpah -.-
Ketemu Amik di masjid pas sholat. Ternyata dia nonton satu studio sama aku :O dan dia nonton sendirian juga ternyata 😐 tau gitu kan bisa nonton bareng -.-
Lanjut ndistro dan akhirnya dapet dress item lucu di nichers :3 tadinya mau beli dress putih di starcross tapi ga ada sizenya -.- nyebelin. ngidam dompet juga nih btw. sama jas. sama pengen dress lagi yang putih itu 😦 *banyak maunya*
Seneng seneng seneng :3
Udah lama juga sih ya ga pergi sendirian, haha. Udah lupa betapa enaknya 🙂
Btw I ♥ retail therapy :3 pengen sering sering deh. baik untuk kesehatan hati, otak, dan tubuh mamen :p sayang tidak baik untuk kesehatan dompet -.-
PSIKOPAD! #5 KEREN :3
Masih kebayang nih serunya nyanyi lagu lagu Sheila On 7 tadi malem sambil ngindarin blanwir air kali Code btw aku baru tau itu air kali code pas buka twitter di rumah lo.kukira itu air pam gitu haha -.-
Tiap PSIKOPAD! semua kelas wajib bikin stand. Mau ngisi sendiri boleh, mau cari sponsor juga oke oke aja
SOCIAL 66 ngapain? Buka Koperasi dong :B diputuskan H-2 loh karena kita terlalu malas buat nyari sponsor
Walhasil Sebtu siang, aku, Mutek, Puri, Putri, Inayah, Aisyah, Damar dan Bowo ngangkut kardus kardus makanan dari sekolah ke Kridosono
Awalnya kita mau bawa tempat es krim Walls yang gede itu pake pick up. Tapi ternyata ga ada pick up yang bisa dipake. Padahal kalo ga ada tempat itu kita ga bisa naro es buat jualan sirup
Untungnya, ternyata aku punya cool box di rumah. Dan Damar sama Bowo dengan paksa sukarela ngambilin di rumahku dengan bermodal kunci samping dan pake si Revo. Sementara, aku ikut ke rumah Puri ngambil jumbo buat tempat sirup nanti
Waktu aku sama Puri balik ke Kridosono, aku ngeliat Damar di gerbang. Tapi dia tau tau lari ga jelas gitu ke dalem, terus ndorong motorku yang dinaikin Bowo. Laah? Motor gue kenapa tuh?
Ternyata menurut kesaksian Putri mereka jatoh terus motorku ga bisa dinyalain. Wolah -.-
Malemnya, waktu lagi mbathang di stand, aku tanya ke Damar “Eh ce kok tadi bisa jatoh ki pie e?”
Kata Damar, “Mboh ki Bambung. Wis tak omongi “alon alon wae mbung” “yo” njuk wis alon to, eh kepleset, njuk tibo,” Damar nyengir, “pas motore tibo to, aku langsung mlayu”
“Asemik!” kometar Putri, “Ala tenan e koe mar!”
“La akeh wong e,” jawab Damar dengan inosen
Dengan kata lain, kalo motorku tadi ga pake macet, Damar ga bakal lari balik mbantuin Bowo. sungguh sangat setia kawan
Selesai acara, kita angkut angkut lagi men. Mutek, Imeng, Fye, Putri, sama Judith ngangkat kardus2 dibantu Lala sama Nurita . Aku sama Enggar ngangkat jumbo. Eng dapet yg kosong, punyaku masih ada isinya -.-
Si Damar paling kasian. Secara dia satu satunya cowok, dia kebagian ngangkat cool box. Eh dia sok sokan jadi orang mudik terus tanya arah ke Imeng sama Eng
Coba bayangin. 10 orang, bawa kardus, jumbo, sama cool box, jalan dari Kridosono ke SMA 3 berombongan. Udah kayak abis piknik aja kita. Kurang tikarnya doang
Tadinya kita mau naro barang2 di Ambalan. Untungnya, pintu timur dibuka. Fye udah mau masuk, tapi Eng takut –” Udah rame rame pun Eng masih masuk terakhir terus nyelip nyelip biar jadi di tengah
Pas denger mau naro barang barang di lab IPS si Eng udah takut banget. Eh ternyata Koperasi udah dibuka sama Sheila. Eng langsung maju paling depan dan bilang “Nek ini aku wani. Padang soale” terus dia langsung lari ke Koperasi. Katanya berani, kok tetep lari –”
Sekarang masalahnya : gimana caranya mbawa itu cool box balik yak?
Cuma keledai yang jatuh ke lubang yang sama dua kali
Well maybe that means I’m even more stupid than a donkey. But I don’t really care
Though I know I’m doing something stupid. Though I know I’m just repeating my mistake. Though I know this may hurt me again in the end
I don’t care. at all
Cause I know I’m doing this because I want to. I choose to do this. And I won’t regret it
Cause at this moment, this is what I really wanted 🙂