These past few days, I’ve been obsessed with Arctic Monkey’s Do I Wanna Know after I stumbled upon Hozier’s cover of said song. Not just for his rendition, but because the lyrics resonated with me. One line, in particular, struck the closest to home:
“Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few?”
Because that impulse is something that I know far too well, and I’ve spent far too many nights resisting one. It’s that urge to call and start a conversation, to meet up and slid into an awaiting embrace, to just let the moments of weakness take over. To give in and just descend into a relapse.
And considering my inherent habit to associate things with people or memories, it really doesn’t take much to trigger one of those urges. I don’t even need a few glasses of wine or one too many cigarettes. Something as simple as far too much repeat of a memory stained song or a sudden whiff of a once familiar scent was more than enough, to remind me of a certain someone and ignite the need for that particular human being.
You, by the way, is that particular someone at this moment.
But that’s beside the point, because it gets easier to ignore said impulse after one too many recounts. I’ve also learned the hard way that following a drunken impulse rarely yield a positive result. The aftermath, more than often, does not worth the short-lived reprieve. And you, oh, you’re the kind with cost that outweigh the benefit. Something that I’m not currently in the mood for.
So for the time being, I’ll just settle with my distractions and pretend you doesn’t exist. But maybe you should know that you, apparently, had stolen a place in my drunken thoughts.
I just wish I have a place in yours.
À la mort,
The one with too many relapse.