Well it isn’t over yet, technically, and the summer nights aren’t dead yet but they’re already wilting and will be over in a matter of days.
Amusing, to tell you the truth, because I really lost track of time and it feels like just yesterday I was whining about how time passed so slowly, and how much I wanted to go home. But I guess time does went by quickly when you’re having fun, and that’s what I’ve been doing most of time. Having fun, taking a breather, and basically doing nothing.
Well not literally nothing, but I didn’t managed to reach the goals that I set before I came – I didn’t managed to saved up or finished my FYP’s outline. So in a way, nothing.
So it’s only normal that the approaching ending of this prolonged summer got me feeling all blue and sick to the stomach.
First of all, there’s the parting. The inevitable goodbye that has been making everyone feel sad and mellow these past few weeks, musing over how fast time has goes by and how they’re going to miss each other and promises to keep in touch and what’s not. Yet it doesn’t affect me that much, being my apathetic self. True, I never care that much about a lot of things and even I have the suspicion that my heart might have turned to stone with the way everything just felt so dull and uninteresting. And I don’t have that much of friends to feel depressed over.
But that’s the perks of not being too attached – the lack of negative emotion over the unavoidable separations. Being picky over who to befriend with may not rewarded me with a lot of “friends” and I sure as hell am not adhering to the so-called purpose of expanding your network through an exchange program. But I’d pick quality over quantity any time of the day.
This exchange program may rewarded me with only a shortlist of friends, but I know that those are the people that are worth keeping for – and those that I can actually keep around. Life’s all about cost vs benefit anyway, and the cost of struggling to keep in touch with people that I’m not even sure I can be myself with far outmatched the benefit of having them around.
So no, it’s not the parting that unsettle me. It’s the thought that this prolonged summer, this sweet escape, will soon come to an end. That’s the downside of prolonged summer, don’t you think? It’s not even “fall is coming”, I’m plunging straight into winter and that sends chills down my spine. For I have gotten far too used to my current laid-back routine with nothing to worry about that I don’t think I’m ready to go back into reality. I don’t think I’m prepared to face the things that I’m running from just yet. At least I don’t think I’m capable enough to actually face the looming deadline of final year’s project because heck, I’m not even sure I can still work on what I’ve been planning to do and instead of being reassured I ended up being filled with doubt instead. My brain had conjured up all the negative scenarios that could happened and that dissuade me enough from even picking up from where I left off – which I assure you, is somewhere very close to zero percent.
On the other hand, I can proclaimed that I’ve moved on. Away from my beautiful darling that had gotten me so messed up before, away from the poisonous feeling of not being good enough, away from the vice grip of yet another unrequited love. I’ve had half a mind to create a specific post just to say goodbye to you, darling, but I no longer think that you worth another post. You don’t worth wasting more of my imagination to conjure pretty word dedicated solely for you.
Just know that I would’ve be so proud to have you, and that you might have been the one that I would fight the world for. But your decision had made it clear that my affections are wasted on you and I’m better off without you. I’d be with someone who are proud to have me and exert the same effort to be with me.
So this is goodbye, darling. We’d still be friends, it’s impossible not to be one, but I won’t be bending over backwards just to retain your interest again. And next time we meet, I assure you that I won’t be bothered by you showing affection towards her. Who knows, I might be bringing my significant other along too.
While we’re in the talk of significant other, I guess I can’t escape from talking about you, my summer fling. Well you’re not a literal summer fling, that’s for sure, at least not the way urban dictionaries or the like define it. It wasn’t a sexual adventure or even a simple relationship. But it still is something light and fun-filled with nothing to worry about. You are something to direct my affection to while fully knowing that this will never be nothing more than friendship – my kind of relationship, if it even qualifies as one.
Really though, summer fling. You are fun to be with and adorable in your own way. I really like that you light up my days. You’re a nice breathe of air, an exhilarating refreshment that I’d like to cling on to. And I like you, summer fling, I really do, which is why I don’t feel like saying goodbye to you just yet. This is amusing, you know? The whole charade of being giddy whenever I’m close to you, of feeling elated just by spending time together, of the simple pleasure from stolen small gestures of affection, and most of all, the unpretentious happiness that you could so easily caused. I like all that, and I don’t want them to be over just yet. So here’s me, denying that you’ll be gone in a matter of days.
Because who am I kidding, this isn’t going to last long, it never was, and I don’t even see us starting a relationship in near or even far future. Oh I might have imagined it at some point of time, but I do that while fully knowing that it will never happen. Cause that’s one of the charm, you know? The fact that I don’t even have to think about the possibility of developing a relationship with you and that I can conveniently preserve this as a mere crush, an elongated summer fling to help make my days brighter and spark something in this dulled heart of mine.
I never was good with relationship anyway, and I got an inkling that pursuing this further will only ruin all the fun. Love’s a game after all, and I’m enjoying our play so I’d rather not having you as my next mistakes.
Unless, of course, you’d prove yourself worth trying to be committed to.
But that’s a story for another day, isn’t it? Because all that matters right now is that our days are numbered and our bags are packed. August had to end no matter what, and we will say goodbye to each other sooner or later. So let’s make the most of it before we come down from that cloud.
I might even do some reckless stuff to conclude this prolonged summer by telling you upfront that I’m dedicating this to you. Even if it’s just for the sake of seeing how you’d handle it because knowing you, it will really be amusing. I might, but we’ll see whether or not I’d actually do that.
Summer is a season for being careless after all. And you, my adorable summer fling, seems to be a perfect case to be careless with.
À la mort,
Loosely prompted and inspired by August is Over by We The Kings.