First of all, I’d have to admit that it has been some time since I last wrote a post dedicated to someone – and I mean a proper post for named sentient human and not some abstract letter that may or may not be addressed to particular someone(s). But hey it’s your birthday and it’s the first one I’m going to spend without being able to congratulate you in person and get a bony hug, so here I am. Bear with me.
What I’d like to say though, is that you, Billa Ashaninka….
Ruined my life.
You were the one who dragged me into the bottomless pit of K-Pop shipping. Well yeah I’ve started before I met you – that was basically how we got acquainted – but I would argue that you got me sinking deeper.
Then as if it’s not enough, you dumped Sherlock on me and shoved Blink down by throat – continued with a forced first season marathon of Doctor Who. I will forever hold that “watching Empty Child alone at 2 am while you slept” against you. Because it was scary as fuck and it was Moffat’s.
What else. Oh right. You roped me to attend the #IndoMerWhoLock last year and throw me head first to the sea of fangirls.
Most importantly, you, of all people, were the one who got me into writing fictions and basically gave me a death sentence.
So yeah, life ruiner.
And yet I love you for that.
Don’t take it in the masochist way because – contrary to what you believe – am not one.
But you ruined my life in the best way.
If you didn’t introduce me to TV series and forced me to get out of my comfort bubble to attend the gathering, I would miss so many things and I would never meet the amazing people whom I now call friends – and even best friends, for some. I would never know the beauty and intricacy of fandom as an interwoven part of popular culture and I would have not love my current studies as much as I do now. Heck I wouldn’t even be able to have something that I really want to focus on.
(Well okay I might end up studying movies or books as popular culture instead of fandom, but the point still stands)
Had it not been for you, I would not have these surrogate families. I would never got exposed to these various views and see the world from a different perspective. I would never peer to the touchy subjects that people are uncomfortable to talk about. I would not be as openly accepting as I am right now, whether it is toward other people or about myself. I would probably still try to conform instead of letting the madness and cynicism run free, and I would be normal but lost what made me quirky in the first place, had it not been for you.
And oh, Ra, had it not been for you, I would never discover the freedom that is fiction writing. I would not know the fascination of creating alternate universes and weaving stories. I would not be able to feel the excitement of letting go of the reign and have my imagination running wild before I convert them into strings of words.
I would not meet the people who appreciate those writings instead of scorning them had it not been for you either.
And I am pretty sure I would not love myself as much as I do right now without your intervention, because writing is something that I take pride on and it’s always a boost of confidence to have people liking what I wrote. Plus, writing fiction has become my way of venting out and liberating the angst that I keep inside. So I probably would not be this sane without you around.
I would not be the person that I am today if you hadn’t intrude in my life the way you did, and I love you for that, Ra.
I know by far this kind of sounds like a confession, an emotional letter to profess my undying love for you and it might as well be.
Don’t get me wrong, Ra. I don’t love you in the romantic way – I know I’d lose my head if I do. But I do love you in the platonic way because I can’t ask for a better partner in crime than you. You are volatile, unpredictable, and you seem to bring out both the worst and the best of me. Sure our friendship involved a lot of curse words, poisoning each other with our current addictions, and basically dragging each other to god knows where. And we can go from “fuck you” to “I love you” in a very bipolar way. But you were always there for me and you show me how to be myself and love every part of it. You’re one of the few persons that I can bear to be around with for a long time without break (and that is a very rare thing, because you know me, I have limited tolerance for people). You’re one of the few persons that I actually want to be around with, that I feel comfortable enough to just do nothing together. You’re one of the persons whose presence calm me down instead of agitated me. They say home is where the heart is and you’re one of my home.
And that’s what best friends are for.
So happy birthday, Billa Ashaninka. May the odds be ever in your favor and may you always stand strong against whatever shits the world throw at you. You’d stand tall and give them a piece of your mind instead, I’m sure. And I know you’d be amazing in whatever you choose to do. Even skripshit won’t be able to hold you down, and you’d be stellar even in works. Gosh, you’re one of the most confident and brilliant human being I’ve ever met and you got so many happiness in your palm already that I’m not sure what else I should wish you.
But just remember that whenever you feel weathered down and need a place to lean on, I’m always here.
After all, that’s why you appointed me as your guardian angel, no?
À la mort,
Pps: I take it that the third year assessment of our friendship went well? Not that you have any choice since we literally know too much blackmail material about each other and are practically bound for life *winkwinknudgenudge*