Quite terribly, to tell you the truth.
And I know it’s early, much too early for me to be already whining about being homesick and stuff. But my family just left yesterday so do bear with me.
It’s not that I don’t have fun here – because I have had some fun, and I actually am planning to watch Guardians of the Galaxy later. I also enjoy the free internet access here – very much, if I may add – and people are quite good. This far.
But I can’t help that I miss home, as always, when I come back to my room after a long day and was met with nothing but silence. I can’t help but to miss home when I wake up all bewildered in the middle of the night, hearing the sound of the fan and nothing else. I miss home when I look out of the windows and see a city that feels so foreign to me. I miss home when I’m in the crowd with the other students and they’re all having fun talking with one another while me, being me, just stare and be the wallflower that I am.
I’m not good with loneliness, never was, and I’m really prone to the poisonous feeling of being alone – even when I’m in the middle of a crowd. And it’s the little things, always the little things, that got me curling up on my bed with tears in my eyes.
And okay, maybe I’m just sleep deprived and in urgent need for some good hugs and cuddles, but I really miss home and I miss my friends. I miss being able to just glomps anyone or approaching someone with open hands and goes “Peluk!”. I need my dose of hugs and kisses, I need to just hold someone’s hands and latch myself onto them, I just—- need my daily dose of skinship, it seems.
And it’s just— I don’t know, maybe I just haven’t met the right people, those kind of person that I can just talk about nothing in particular with, the people that I crave to spent all of my times with – and not just for distraction so I don’t have to be alone in my room back at dorm. Or to be brutally specific, I haven’t met any fandom people – my kind of people, and that just…. doesn’t bode well with me.
I have been too used to the fandom people that I can barely manage to interact with those that aren’t. And that, to be exact, is my biggest problem.
I’m not sure I know how to make friends and blend in anymore.
À la mort,
Fuck, I want to fly home.