It’s been some time, isn’t it? I never thought I would write to you again, for I don’t think this infatuation of mine would hold this long.
A lot had happened during this past few months, for better or worse.
Me confessing to you, for example.
If I look back now, I can’t seem to understand what prompted me to do such bold actions. The tone of the conversation? The atmosphere? The fact that you were feeling down and I need to show you that you’re still loved? I don’t know. I guess I did it because it just felt right at that time.
The point is, I told you I like you, that I had feelings for you. I also said that I didn’t necessarily asked you to be mine. I said I’d be glad if you become mine, but I’m also fine if you want things to stay away and I’d deal with my feelings accordingly.
What a bullshit, right?
I said that easily, with conviction, believing that whatever the outcome is, I’d be able to handle it. But when you really said no, that you don’t feel the same way, well, the worst possible outcome became real. And I admit that it’s a bit hard to face.
It was easy at first, because things sort of stay the same. I convinced myself that I was okay with us being just friends, that I’m doing this to show you my determination. I’m trying to prove that I’m different from all those other people who said they’d still be friends with you but ended up drifting away, that I will still be there for you no matter what.
I guess I sort of hope that the determination will melt your heart or something like that. You know, like in those sappy love stories where you’d ended up with the best friend a.k.a me. And then we’ll live happily ever after together. Or as close to that considering where we live now.
Anyway, yeah, it was good for a while. I can pretend that we’re on a flirtationship, something more than friendship but less than lovers, where we had each other’s back and care for each other without status holding us down. And it was really good. You sort of became the centre of my universe, and it was the happiest and most comfortable I have ever been in quite a long while.
But then reality kicked in.
I’m not really sure when it all started but maybe, just maybe, it was after we finally meet.
(I know it sort of crazy that I fell for you even before I ever saw you, and until now I still doesn’t have the slightest idea about your full name or stuff. But well, you know, I like you for what you are, as corny as that sound. I like the you that I know through our chatroom, and that’s that for me)
I’m supposed to feel happy that we finally got to meet, aren’t I? And I was, I really was. I’m excited to no end and I’ve been giddy since the moment you said you want to see me, also when you said you will give me a polaroid to keep.
As always, though, reality fell sort of the expectation.
First it was because you also meet your other friends, and well, you’ve knew them longer and better than you knew me and a mutual friend of ours. So it’s only natural that you more often drifts towards them and talk of things that only you guys understand. But it still sucks, you know? Being ignored and feeling out of place was never fun. And it made me felt like the effort doesn’t worth it.
Okay that was a little bit untrue because I still had fun. Only that it also made me feel angsty and that…that wasn’t what I was expected.
Another thing that probably made it worse was the fact that she was also there.
Yes, she who may or may not still be your girlfriend.
You know, from the moment you said that you’ll also meeting some other friends, I’ve been wondering whether or not she will come. Because I don’t know for sure whether or not you’re still dating her. And then she really came and it sort of clicked that yes, it’s most likely that you’re still dating her. Maybe it was just me making a big deal out of every single thing, but it still cut like knives when you stick very close to her, when you said she was too good for you and for this entire world, when she called you baby, and of course, when you said you wish she could go to the hotel with you because you don’t want to say goodbye just yet.
It doesn’t help that she was pretty, you know? Really pretty and beautiful. The textbook definition of pretty and you just can’t take your eyes off of her. She have the same interest as you and she also draw beautifully, like you. Oh she’s more alike to you than I will ever be, and maybe she does suit you better.
So it was only normal that I felt really low and angsty at that time, until even you realize it and said you wonder what happened.
Well you and her happened.
But of course I didn’t tell you that, no, why would I? Maybe if I had tell you that, it’ll grant me closure and I won’t have to keep wondering about your relationship with her. But I was scared. Scared because that means you’d know that I still have feelings for you. And I’m afraid it would change things, afraid that it would only prompt you to keep your distance or stuff. Afraid because that would mean I failed to fulfill my own words to deal with my feelings towards you.
Since that time, I don’t know why, but things has just never felt the same. There are instances when I could still pretend that everything still okay. But there are also times when I had to swallow a bile down my throat because I saw her interacting with you on social media and it sucks big time because it felt like a slap to my already bruised face. I can’t stop thinking that you’re contacting her on daily basis like we used to do too. Especially lately, when you’ve felt a bit distant, although maybe it was just because you’re busy and you’re not feeling well. It’s just…I can’t help but to feel unwell too, because I can’t help you. And the possibility that you’re choosing to talk to her while keeping space with me, the possibility that she’s doing better job at cheering you up than what I could ever do, is just too much and it make me sick.
So, yeah. I’ve felt shitty quite often these past few weeks and believe me, you and her were the main reasons.
The problem is, I think it needs to stop.
I can’t keep feeling this way, you know? I can’t keep moping around like a brokenhearted teenager. I can’t keep letting you mess with my mental well beings. I can’t keep feeling like I’m such a good for nothing that doesn’t deserve you.
My friends keep saying that I do not deserve you, because I deserve better. You’re an asshole, a jerk. And they said I’m
an angel a nice person, I’m too good for you and I deserves better.
I just can’t get to that yet.
Yes, you maybe a jerk, and you’re probably an asshole because you fail to tell me upfront that you had a girlfriend which, really, would have settled everything once and for all. But you have you’re good quality too, and I like that. You may not be the brightest person alive and god knows how I itch to correct your grammar sometimes, but I like talking to you and I love your drawings. And you make me feel so proud of you more than often, and it the little things that matters. And I know you could be so much more if only you let yourself, because your real enemies are yourself and your lack of self esteem. You’re adorable and I wish I could just hug you whenever I feel like it and oh, for better or worse, I love you. Probably. I mean I don’t mind staying up all night just to be with you, I feel like taking care of you, I feel like shielding you from all the bad in the world, I feel like seeing you grow and I’m so proud of you, I’d take a fall for you and I’ll do anything to keep you happy. You make my heart stirs and you make me smile with even the simplest words and acts. And darling, if it’s not love then I don’t know what is.
See, I can’t even get to list your negative points without rambling about your positive ones and how you stole my heart.
I just can’t get to tell myself that I’m too good for you and that I deserve better.
And maybe that’s the problem, you know? That I’ve felt shitty too much lately, that I keep feeling like I don’t worth anything, so much that I can’t get to love myself again. That I’m unable to feel good about myself. That when I look in the mirror, all I see is flaws and I can’t smile at my reflection anymore.
Frankly, that’s the real reason why I think all these need to stop.
Oh, darling, I love you, I really do. But I fell for you because you made me feel good, because you helped me when I felt like shit, you made me feel better when I’m desperate, you made me feel like I can do anything that I set my mind to, and you made me happy.
But now it doesn’t feel like that anymore. Now I’m desperate for something, anything from you, to make me feel like that again. Now you (and her) keep making me feel like shit, keep wrecking my self esteem, and I’ve felt worthless one too many times to keep holding on.
I love you, I still do. But is it really worth fighting for when it made me lost track of myself, when it rendered me unable to feel happy without you, when it turned me into this empty shell that cling on to you to live on?
I don’t think it is.
This maybe selfish, I know. But darling, I need to feel good about myself. I need to start loving myself for what I have and what I am again. That is what you made me felt before, and that’s what made me fell for you.
If I can’t love myself, how am I to love you, and how would you even bother to love me?
I’m not saying goodbye to you, darling. I really don’t.
But I need time and space, time to sort things out and space to rebuild myself again. I need to be able to breathe again, and I need, more than anything, to look in the mirror and being able to smile because I like what I see.
So I will be leaving for a while, darling, in the hope that I will be to rediscover myself.
And maybe, when I come back, I will feel better about myself and I could be a real good friend for you.
À la mort,
The girl who try to be “a friend”